The Bachelor

Bach. Ep. 3. Summary

Oh my, what a week it was for our Bachelor Sean.

Let's begin. 

Disclaimer: When I say "us" at any point throughout this post, it is in reference to myself and

the roommates.

"This week, I have my work cut out for me." -Sean

Voice over as he is working out shirtless. Producers, so original.

Lesley gets the first one-on-one date of the episode. I don't know anything about how the season ends, but I'm calling it now- Sean is a Republican, Lesley is a Democrat, it won't last.

They do the whole Guinness Book of World Records thing and have to beat the record of a whopping 3 minute kiss!

"3 seconds is a reeeeeally long time to kiss!" - Sean

Really Sean? If you think 3 minutes is a "reeeeeally" long time, no wonder you're still single.   

I didn't think they'd make us watch all 3 minutes, but they did. 

All 3 minutes of Sean's head/face covered in Lesley hands. 

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is just loving it.

Chris to random lady- "Is this the craziest thing you've ever seen?!"

I'm willing to bet she's seen crazier things Chris. You loser. 

They go on the roof...

OMG!!!! Confetti goes off while they kiss on the rooftop!!! 

The bachelor never fails to surprise me!

Seriously though, Lesley is still okay in my book. She's top 4 material. 

Group date at the beach. 

We get another classic Chris Harrison quote..

"Playin' on the beach here in California, it's a good time. Playin' beach volleyball on a beach in California... well that's somethin' special."

.................................?

Everyone sucks at volleyball.

Producers, thank you for not including Sarah (one arm) in this group date. We don't want another zip-line incident on our hands. 

So the winning team gets a cocktail party with Sean.

"This is the most important game of my life."- Taryn

Taryn, if that's the case, I am sad for the life you have lived. 

Best part is, Taryn loses the game and goes home at the end. 

I'm snoring...

Ok the game is finally over, the winning team celebrates. Kacie B. is pumped yall!

Don't get too excited Kacie, you make a fool of yourself later.

The Model cries over the lost volleyball game. 

Like, it's just really hard y'all, to not get a chance with Sean, you know?

kill me.

Leslie H., if you're crying over losing a volleyball game, I don't wanna see you when you get sent home. Because that's where you're going. 

Home. 

Do you really think you have a shot? I'm just being realistic. Your competing against Sarah-one-arm and Ashley Perfection. 

I might I have less respect for the girls crying over a lost volleyball game than I do for Tierra The Terrible. We'll get to her later. 

Kacie B. has turned into a crazo. 

"Des" calls Amanda a freak, which she is, and Kacie sees this as an opportunity to get closer to Sean?

Kacie decides to tell Sean that she's in the middle of this little tiff, and then gets caught in her lie the second it comes out of her mouth. 

Kacie B. - "Two girls in the house aren't getting along and I felt the need to tell you."

Sean- "Uh, okay, but why are you involving yourself?"

Kacie B. - "I've asked myself that." good answer Kacie...

Sean- "I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person."

Well that backfired..

aaaaaaand Kacie is a goner. 

Shouldn't have gotten drunk again Kacie B. 

Tierra fakes falling down the stairs, which was way less dramatic than the previews made it look.

The best part about it was when Sarah-one-arm starts laughing at Tierra when she looks like this..

Sarah-one-arm is growing on us. 

Tierra, you're tacky and I hate you.

Ashley goes on her one-on-one and still manages to look perfect even when her hair is blowing out of control

Their date was actually really sweet. That's the first time I've ever said anything like that in reference to The Bachelor. 

Haley Smith, if you are reading, Ashley reminds us of you.

She's one of the prettiest girls this season and seems like a genuinely sweet person. 

One of the two girls who had just met for the first time says she's never been to a concert before. 

Breaking my heart.

It was touching. Bachelor Producers redeemed themselves a little bit with this one. 

Then Ashley tells Sean about the rough childhood she had, Sean cries, and so do I.

I admit it, I teared up. 

The Bachelor made me cry? What is happening to me?

I officially want Ashley to win. 

Sean surprises Sarah-one-arm with her dog!

This was nice. 

But what I wonder is, after they play with the dog for 5 minutes, does the dog just hop back into the limo and fly home?

"See ya Leo! Thanks for dropping by! Have a safe flight!"

That dog must be so confused. 

Kacie B. goes home. Thank goodness. Finally puts her and us out of our misery.

Other blonde goes home. Model goes home. 

On the leader board this week:

Lesley, Ashley, "Des", Sarah

This girl gets so much TV time and I still don't know her name. 

Goner. 

.........................................................................................................................







Episode 2 Summary

So we start out with the one armed girl Sarah getting the first one-on-one date. Of course. Since I didn't do one of these for Episode 1 and didn't have a chance to say this- Dear Bachelor Producers, a girl with one arm? Seriously? You just partially ruined the bachelor for me because I watch it simply to make fun of these people, and I'm obviously not going to make fun of a girl with one arm. Thanks a lot. Now I only have 24 girls to laugh at. 

So the one-on-one date.. not much to say since I refuse to say anything mean about Sarah, except that I would be horrified if my most of my time on prime time TV was at this angle

Luckily, Sarah is tiny enough that she pulled off this angle. I, on the other hand, would look like a whale laying there. 

Lastly, Producers-  I beg of you, STOP ZOOMING IN ON THE ARM! We get it, she has one arm. Oh my gosh stop zooming in. Poor girl.

They kiss and it was too pecky.

Moving on to Tierra the Terrible (I copyrighted that nickname) and her crazy laugh after everything she says

Onto the photo shoot where this girl gets WAY too excited when she finds out what they'll be doing..

This girl might end up being one of the most annoying girls this season. 

Moving on to Afro-girl and her unfortunate costume that didn't help her unfortunate hair

lol-ing

And this one..

My girl, you gotta get that tree moss off yo head because you have a cute face underneath all of it.

She leaves the show- nobody cares. 

We like Lesley.

Lesley and I have a few mutual aquaintences which makes me feel like I know her even though I definitely do not. But I feel like we'd be friends. She seems normal and down to earth. Respect for her having some embarrassment in saying "I'm here for love" and not just blurting it out over and over again like the rest of them. And for going for the kiss. "How crazy is this house?"

We also like Salma. The one who looks and talks like Salma Hayek. 

Then.

Kacie B. gets druuuuuunk 

God I love this show. 

A girl named Jackie doesn't get the one-on-one date on her birthday, which I would NOT have been okay with. Desiree gets it and is a part of the most boring prank ever. Chris Harrison is a dork and giggles about the anticlimactic prank with Sean in another room. Here's what happens- the art breaks, Desiree doesn't freak out at all, she actually sort of laughs about it. Sean comes in. 

OMG Sean you totally got her!

Two girls who I forgot existed get sent home at the rose ceremony. 

Until next week...